As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother. When I was a kid I would be the one to babysit and look after all the other kids on our street even though I wasn’t that much older. I started baby-sitting for money when I was 13 and even lobbied that into being a nanny all the way until I was 20 years old and moved out of state to be on my own. I just always remember knowing I would have a family, that I would be a mother and that ideally I would like to stay home with my kids.
Even when I met my husband we would discuss what our future would like like, talk about hopes and dreams and make plans- of course that included children. A few years into marriage we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. She in a way completed me and I felt that I had accomplished what I was put on this earth for; to be her mama. However, the plans at the time did not include me staying home. I continued to work full time until a few years later we became pregnant again. This time there was a set plan to get me home with the girls. It didn’t happen right away or even the way we thought but it’s been almost 3 years since I quit working outside of the home and let me tell you- it is not at all as I had imagined.
Mom life is not for the faint of heart! Being a stay at home mom and wife is so much more challenging and harder than any job I ever had and I worked graveyard shift in an ER for nearly 2 years. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not here to complain. This after all is my dream come true. I just never thought it would be this lonely. There I said it. Would you have ever thought a mom who gets to be home with her children could be lonely? I sure didn’t. But here I am. I’ve realized more about myself in the last couple of years then I probably have my entire 36 years. I need to be social to thrive. I need to have something to occupy my mind and my time outside of housework. I know I can not go back to a regular M-F 9-5, mostly because of my husbands work schedule but also how do you go back when you’ve been home for so long? It has become a question that weighs heavily on my mind. What can I do to break me out of this rut? How do I figure out my purpose outside of being a wife and mother and how do I find fulfillment without going back to a traditional job? You guys, I am no closer to answering any of these questions. But one thing that has stood out to me more than anything is that I need to focus more on myself. For the last 10 years my priorities have been taking care of babies and this sweet little family of mine. The results of that are that I have two amazing well behaved and respectful little ladies, but I am tired. I am out of shape. I am not in my best health and I feel often like my husband and I are roommates or two ships passing in the night. Now is as good as time as any to make the change and embrace the shift and move into this new chapter of our lives.
I love my children so much it hurts sometimes but I am finding now with time and age that in order to be the best mother I can be I need to find my purpose and passions outside of being a mom. This may not ring true to all women or even men that stay home with their kids. For me however, now that my children are in school I’m struggling to find my identity as a mom without kids to take care of all day. It’s a work in progress and as I said before it’s not for the faint of heart.